Mind the gap: the difference between what you say and how you come across

I’ve lost count of the number of times someone has said to me, with genuine frustration: ‘But that’s not what I meant!’

They’re not wrong. The intention was clear. The thinking was sound. And yet something got lost; in the delivery, in the room, in the gap between what they said and what the other person heard.

That gap is where a surprising amount of professional difficulty lives.

Communication is a two-part problem

Most of us focus almost entirely on content: what we’re going to say or the argument we’re going to make or messages we want to land.

This is understandable - content feels controllable. You can prepare it, refine it, rehearse it.

But, as most professionals know already, how you come across isn’t just about the words. It’s shaped by tone, pace, eye contact, posture, the energy you bring into the room. By whether you seem certain or hesitant. Present or distracted. Open or defensive or something inbetween.

People respond to all of it, mostly without realising they are.

The intention gap

Here’s what makes this genuinely tricky. We experience ourselves from the inside. We know what we meant. We feel our own care, our reasoning, our good faith.

The person across from us only has what they can observe.

So, someone who feels passionate can come across to others as aggressive. Someone who is thoughtful, can come across as disengaged. Someone who is nervous, can come across as uninterested - or worse, untrustworthy.

None of this is fair, I hear you say, But it is real, and it’s worth taking seriously.

This isn’t about performance

I want to be careful here, because the wrong conclusion is to think you should start performing; to put on a version of yourself that you think will land better.

That tends to create a different problem; inauthenticity is something people sense, even when they can’t name it.

The goal is something more subtle. It’s about becoming more aware of the signals you’re actually sending, and closing the gap between those signals and what you genuinely intend to communicate.

That requires a degree of honest self-observation that most people - understandably - don’t do much of.

We’re too busy focusing on what we’re saying to pay attention to how we’re saying it. To ‘mind the gap’ as it were, and then close it.

What changes when you do close the gap?

Quite a lot, in my experience. Relationships become easier. Influence increases. People feel more clearly met by you; and that builds trust in a way that no amount of polished content can manufacture.

It also tends to reduce the frustration of feeling misunderstood.

Which, for many people, turns out to be a significant source of professional stress they’d quietly stopped expecting to solve.

If you’ve ever felt that your impact doesn’t quite match your intent - that people aren’t quite getting what you’re bringing - that’s exactly the kind of area communication coaching can help with.

I've worked with senior leaders CEOs, COOs, FDs, Special Advisors and public figures, and organisations such as Channel 4, the NHS and Rolls-Royce plc.

If you'd like to explore further, book your free discovery call → here