Why the need to be liked can damage your leadership

Imagine you’ve noticed one of your best people is underperforming. You know the conversation needs to happen. Instead, you tell yourself, 'I’ll wait until next week. They’re under a lot of pressure.' Next week soon becomes next month.

By then, the problem has doubled.

Most leaders want to be liked. There’s nothing wrong with that in itself. In fact, the best leaders tend to be warm, approachable and deeply respected.

The problem begins when being liked becomes more important than - well - leading...for example

A talented manager avoids giving honest feedback because they don’t want to upset a team member.

A senior executive agrees to another request despite knowing their team is already stretched.

Someone tolerates poor behaviour because confronting it feels uncomfortable.

In each case, the immediate goal is the same:

Keep the peace, don't damage the relationship, avoid conflict.

Short term, the strategy of avoidance might work. But ironically, it's more likely to damage the relationship and escalate conflict in the long run.

Leadership is not a popularity contest

One of the biggest shifts people make when they move into leadership is realising that their role has changed.

As an individual contributor, success often comes from doing excellent work yourself. As a leader, success increasingly comes from helping others do theirs.

That sometimes - inevitably - means making decisions from time-to-time that won’t be universally popular.

That includes: giving honest feedback; holding people accountable; making decisions with incomplete information; saying no.

If your self-worth depends on everyone liking you, those sorts of conversations become incredibly difficult to execute.

The cost of avoiding discomfort

We may convince ourselves that avoiding conflict preserves harmony. That may be true on occasion. But, usually, the conversation you avoid today often becomes the bigger conversation you’ll have to face three months later.

Small issues become habits. Habits become culture. Culture becomes performance.

Author Kim Scott coined the phrase 'ruinous empathy' to describe what happens when our desire to be kind stops us from being honest. We spare someone the truth in the moment, because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. In reality though, is it really kind witholding the truth? We may be denying them the opportunity to learn, improve, or reach their potential.

I’ve coached leaders who spent months trying to 'keep everyone happy' only to discover their teams had become confused about expectations. Frustrations had gone unspoken. Standards had quietly slipped. The relationships they were trying to protect had become more difficult to repair.

We need to be kind to each other. We need more kindness in the world. I'm the first to support these pleas. But people at work don’t just need kindness.

They also need clarity.

And the two are not opposites.

In fact, some of the kindest conversations you’ll ever have are also the hardest.

What actors understand about approval

As an actor, if you try too hard to make an audience like you, you can become distracted. The moment you begin chasing approval, something changes.

Audiences are far more drawn to performers who are fully committed to what they’re doing than those trying hardest to win their affection.

Leadership is remarkably similar.

People are more likely to trust someone who is calm, authentic and prepared to have honest conversations than someone who constantly seeks reassurance.

Confidence isn’t about being admired.

It’s about being willing to do what the moment requires.

Respect lasts longer than approval

There’s an important distinction between being liked and being respected.

Respect is built through consistency. Through fairness. Through integrity. Through keeping your word.

The leaders we remember rarely tried to please everyone.

They listened. They explained their decisions. They treated others with the respect and dignity they are entitled to.

But they were also willing to make difficult calls when those decisions were in the best interests of the team, or the wider organisation.

Those qualities often lead to being liked anyway.

But they don’t start there.

A better question

Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself one simple question:

Am I trying to protect this person’s feelings, or am I trying to help them succeed?

Those are not always the same thing.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is say the thing that needs saying. With empathy, and with respect. And with honesty and clarity.

The courage to lead

The aim of leadership isn’t to leave every conversation with everyone smiling. It’s to leave people clearer, stronger and better than when they arrived.

Sometimes they’ll thank you immediately. Sometimes they won't thank you at all. Sometimes they’ll thank you years later.

In any case, that’s leadership.

Drawing on my background in actor training, business leadership, psychology, and behavioural science, I work with leaders and professionals across London, the UK and globally to communicate with greater confidence, influence, and authenticity - in the moments that matter most.

If you’d like to explore how an experienced communication coach could support your goals, feel free to get in touch to arrange a free, relaxed, no-obligation, confidential consultation.