The lost art of paying attention

There was a time when being distracted required a little more effort.

You might stare out of a window. Doodle on a notepad. Wonder what you were having for dinner.

Today, distraction comes looking for us.

Emails arrive while we are in meetings. Messages flash across screens while we are talking. Watches vibrate discreetly on wrists. Phones sit face down on tables, apparently ignored, but still occupying a corner of our consciousness.

And even when the technology is nowhere to be seen, our minds have become remarkably good at doing the distracting for us...

What am I going to say next?

What was that email about?

I must remember to call them.

Did I lock the car? And on and on...

We talk a great deal about distraction as a productivity problem.

Perhaps we should primarily think about it as a communication problem.

Because one of the things that's disappearing in modern life is the ability simply to pay attention to another human being.

Partial attention has become normal

Most of us would probably object to the suggestion that we don’t listen to people.

Of course we listen. But there is a difference between hearing someone and giving them our full attention.

You can hear someone while checking an email.

You can follow the general thrust of a meeting while thinking about the meeting that follows it.

You can nod politely, while simultaneously constructing the clever point you intend to make when the other person finally stops talking.

We have become rather accomplished at partial attention.

The problem is that other people are often accomplished at detecting it.

They may not consciously think, Tom’s attention appears to be operating at approximately 63 per cent.

They simply feel something.

That you are waiting rather than listening.

That something else, internal or external, is competing with them.

Attention is largely invisible, but its absence is remarkably easy to spot.

The phone doesn’t even have to be switched on

One of the interesting things about modern distraction is that we don’t necessarily need to be actively using technology for it to affect us.

A phone on the table represents possibility, a portal into elsewhere.

There might be an email waiting for us, a text message, a news alert - or an entertaining video involving a Labrador.

Our brains are naturally drawn towards novelty.

Digital technology has become exceptionally good at supplying it to us.

As a result, sustained attention can begin to feel slightly uncomfortable. A pause appears and we want to fill it. A conversation slows down and part of us looks for stimulation elsewhere.

Yet some of our best thinking - and often our best conversations - happen precisely when we resist that urge.

Attention is not passive

We sometimes misinterpret that paying attention as doing nothing.

In reality, it requires considerable effort.

To give someone your attention, you have to resist a succession of impulses.

The impulse to interrupt. The impulse to check. The impulse to solve. The impulse to demonstrate that you already understand. The impulse to rehearse your response. The impulse to drag the conversation towards something more interesting to you.

In that sense, attention is not merely about concentration. it is also about inhibition.

We are choosing, moment by moment, what not to attend to.

That may be one reason genuine attention feels increasingly unusual.

Actors need to learn this quickly

There is an interesting parallel with acting.

As they learn their craft, young actors are often, understandably, preoccupied with themselves.

Am I believable?

Where should I stand?

What am I doing with my hands?

Was that line any good?

The trouble is that the more attention an actor directs towards their own performance, the harder it can become to behave naturally.

Good acting requires something counterintuitive: you have to stop watching yourself and start paying attention to the other person.

What are they actually saying?

What has changed?

What did they just do that you weren’t expecting?

Suddenly the scene becomes alive because the actor is no longer reproducing a predetermined response. They are responding to what is actually happening.

I think something very similar occurs in everyday communication.

When we become overly conscious of how we are performing in a meeting, presentation or difficult conversation, our attention turns inwards.

Amusingly, one of the quickest ways to become a better communicator can be to become slightly less interested in yourself.

Attention changes what you notice

When we genuinely pay attention, we gather more information.

Not simply the words. We notice hesitation. A change in energy. Something someone nearly says and then decides not to. The colleague who has been unusually quiet. The mismatch between ‘yes that’s fine’ and the tone in which it was said.

We also become better at asking useful questions, because our next question grows out of what we have just heard rather than from something we prepared five minutes earlier.

This matters enormously in leadership.

People rarely present complicated problems in perfectly organised paragraphs. They circle around them. They edit themselves. They test whether it is safe to say more.

Sometimes the important information arrives hidden or surprisingly late.

You have to be paying attention long enough to hear it.

There is generosity in attention

Perhaps this is the part we underestimate most.

Giving somebody our undivided attention is not simply a communication technique.

It is a supreme act of generosity. Or, to be a bit syrupy, an act of love.

For a few minutes, we are saying:

I see you. You have my attention. Nothing else needs to happen right now.

That can be extraordinarily powerful.

Think about the people you enjoy talking to most. They are not necessarily the funniest, cleverest or most charismatic people you know.

They remember something you said. They notice when your mood changes. They ask the question behind the obvious question. They don’t immediately turn your story into one of their own.

They make space.

And in an age of increasingly fragmented attention, that space may become more valuable.

Try doing less

We often approach communication development by asking what we should add.

Better questions. Better body language. Better stories. Better techniques.

Perhaps we should also ask what we could remove?

For one conversation, try removing the phone completely from view, in another room if possible, rather than simply turning it face down.

In your next meeting, notice every time your mind starts preparing what you are going to say and bring your attention back to the person speaking.

When somebody finishes a thought, don’t immediately rush into the silence.

And, once a day, have a focused conversation in which you deliberately do nothing else at the same time.

No screen. No multitasking. No half-eye on the next thing.

Just pay attention.

It sounds almost laughably simple. It isn't at all. Far from it.

And perhaps that is precisely why it matters so much..

In a world competing relentlessly for our attention, the ability to decide where we place it - and then keep it there - may become one of the most valuable communication skills we have.

I work with a small number of leaders and professionals each year, through tailored, one-to-one communication coaching.

I help them develop greater confidence, executive presence and influence, in the moments that matter most - such as public speaking, a forthcoming interview, or negotiation. If this resonates, I’d be pleased to offer an initial conversation to see how I can support you.

Get in touch  to book a relaxed, complimentary, half hour discovery call.