Giving feedback: why most people get it wrong (and how to do it better)

There’s a strange paradox at the heart of giving feedback.

Everyone agrees it matters.

Almost no one feels comfortable doing it.

In most teams I’ve worked with, feedback is either avoided entirely or delivered in a way that makes things worse, not better.

It becomes something loaded. Awkward. Even performative.

But when it’s done well, feedback is one of the fastest ways to build trust, improve performance, and create a culture where people actually want to do better work.

The problem isn’t feedback itself.

It’s how we’ve learned to give it.

The real purpose of feedback (it’s not what you think)

Most advice about giving feedback focuses on structure.

‘Use the such-and-such model.’

‘Start with something positive!’

‘Keep calm’

None of that is wrong.

But it does miss its purpose.

The purpose of feedback isn’t to say the right thing.

It’s to help someone improve without damaging the relationship.

That shift matters.

Because the moment feedback feels like judgement, people stop listening. They might nod. They might even agree. But internally, they’ve already disengaged.

Good feedback doesn’t trigger defensiveness.

Rather, it creates clarity.

Why giving feedback feels so uncomfortable

If giving feedback is so valuable, why do we avoid it?

Usually, it comes down to three things:

Fear of conflict – We don’t want to upset people

Fear of being wrong – What if we’ve misread the situation?

Lack of skill – We’ve never actually been shown how to give constructive feedback properly

So we delay. Or we soften it so much it becomes meaningless.

'You might want to think about maybe changing this a little…'

That’s not feedback. That’s noise.

What good feedback actually looks like

Giving effective feedback is simple, but not easy, as the saying goes.

In my view it has three qualities that are essential:

1. It’s specific

Giving vague feedback is unhelpful (in fact, in some cases it shouldn't be classed as feedback at all).

Instead of:

‘Your presentation wasn’t great’

Try:

'The key message wasn't clear because you tried to cover too much'

Specific feedback is less likely to cause a defensive reaction, and gives someone something they can act on.

2. It’s timely

Feedback delivered three weeks later is rarely helpful in my experience.

Perhaps a brief time to reflect is appropriate, but as a general rule the closer it is to the moment, the more relevant it is, and the more likely it is to stick.

That doesn’t mean blurting things out impulsively.

It means not letting things sit until they become bigger than they need to be.

3. It’s grounded in intent

This is the part most people miss.

Before giving feedback, ask yourself honestly:

Am I trying to help, or am I trying to be right?

If it's the latter, delay or even discard the feedback conversation until you clear about your intent.

People can tell the difference.

Constructive feedback lands differently when it’s clear you’re invested in someone’s success, not just pointing out their mistakes.

The difference between feedback and unfiltered criticism

This is where things often go wrong.

Criticism focuses on the person.

Feedback focuses on the work.

‘You’re disorganised’ → criticism

‘The timeline wasn’t clear, which made it hard to follow’ → feedback

One shuts people down.

The other is more likely to open up a conversation.

How to give feedback without making it awkward

There’s no perfect script or model, but there is a better approach.

Start with context and signpost your intent::

‘I wanted to share something that might help for next time.’

Then describe what you observed:

‘In the meeting, the main point you wanted to land came quite late…’

And explain the impact:

‘…which made it harder for people to engage early on.’

Then stop.

You don’t need to over-explain or dilute it.

Give the other person the space to respond.

Feedback works best when it’s a conversation, not a monologue.

Receiving feedback well matters equally as much

You can’t talk about giving feedback without acknowledging the other side.

That means:

Assuming positive intent, even if the delivery is clumsy

Not reacting defensively

Asking clarifying questions to get more specificity

Treating feedback as data to be explored further, not a final verdict

In healthy teams, feedback flows both ways.

If people don’t feel safe receiving feedback, even the best delivery won’t land.

Building a culture of continuous feedback

The goal isn’t to get better at one-off conversations.

It’s to normalise feedback so it becomes part of how work happens.

That means:

Giving small, regular feedback chats instead of saving it for formal reviews

Encouraging peer-to-peer feedback

Making it okay to get things wrong in order to learn quickly

When feedback is continuous, it loses its edge. It stops being a ‘moment’ and becomes a habit.

Final thought

Giving feedback isn’t about mastering a particular technique.

It’s about clarity, intent, and respect.

Do it poorly, and people disengage.

Do it well, and people grow.

And in most teams, that difference shows up much faster than you’d expect.

P.S. If you’re looking to build confidence in communication, speak with more clarity and authority at work, or handle high-stakes conversations more effectively, this is exactly the kind of work I do with clients across London and the UK.

My approach combines actor training techniques with insights from psychology and the latest behavioural science to develop genuine executive presence, impact, and influence -not just in theory, but in the moments that matter.

If that sounds useful, you can find out more or get in touch for a relaxed consultation.